If I don't do anything, it means it isn't real... right?
How I'm dissociating and avoiding the inevitable (plus some ways I plan to get back on track).
Instead of my morning pages this morning I’ve decided to sit and write to you.
I’ve been feeling bad about myself, as any self-deprecating human does, feeling as though I’m not doing enough—not showing up here enough, not writing publicly enough, not giving Lady enough attention, not working enough, and the list goes on.
The truth is, it’s been a bit hard as of late, and I’ve noticed myself continuing on as if nothing is happening—typical. Now this isn’t a letter to absolve myself or to make excuses, but to bring attention to what’s going on inside of me.
Let’s not mention the fact that my life is currently being completely upended as we speak, no big deal. I guess the stress is catching up to me.
Sometimes I try to continue on as if nothing is wrong, like I’m not overwhelmed, but that would be a lie. My scroll time is through the roof and my responsibilities are falling to the wayside again, and maybe I’m hoping this is how I get back on track, and to offer a sense of “not aloneness” if there’s anyone out there experiencing something similar.
As you may already know, I’m gearing up for a move to I don’t even know where, which is stressful in its own right. Knowing I have to sell my things and move out by the end of June with no plan after that is… interesting. There’s a part of me trying to avoid the inevitable by doing nothing, which just causes me more overwhelm when I look around the room and see that next to no progress has been made. There are days where I do a quick sweep of little things I know I won’t be taking with me and I call it a day—what a poor excuse for progress, but hey, progress is progress. I took some clothes for donation (that have been sitting in my house for about two years already) which felt good, but another part of me was like “really? That’s it?”
I think there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want it to be real. I’ve been in this town for over eight years, in this house for over four, and part of me is scared of who I am without it—maybe less scared and more uncertain. I’ve grown so much here that I feel as though I’ve lived three separate lifetimes in the span of a decade. I’m tired of growing, and I just want to be. The problem is I don’t know where to be.
Another part of me knows I’ll be okay with whatever comes. If you know me at all, you know I trust my path so deeply. When I hear my intuition calling, I listen, even if it means letting go or saying goodbye (albeit sometimes kicking and screaming)—up until this point I’ve lived a full life because of it. I’ve been to places people would only dream to go, I’ve made decisions on a whim that didn’t make sense to others, and I’ve dropped my life to start over more than once.
As I sit here and write, I think the part of me that so deeply trusted my path in the past was the me who had liquid courage on her side. Since getting sober, it’s been harder to move forward through the uncertainty. There’s a part of me who knew I wasn’t meant to be here anymore and dug her roots deeper in fear, and I think this is where the part of me who knows it will be okay has to step up and show her it’s okay. On the other hand it’s easier to trust my path in sobriety because I’ve built such a solid level of self-trust that’s nearly unshakable at this point (though sometimes I get caught in the indecision and unknowing… hiya Libra moon).
With all of that being said, I wanted to share with you what I’ve been leaning on, healthy and not, because we’re keeping it real over here, and ya girl is still human. I’ve been thinking a lot about my body and how I’ve been leaning in and out of it, between dissociation and presence. As with any turbulent time, I tend to lean on trying to get out of my body, so I hope this list will be a reminder that Taurus season is for slowing down and getting back in there wherever possible.
Out of body:
What’s been keeping me out of body? Or rather, what I’ve been leaning on to avoid feeling.
Scrolling notes: guys, this one is becoming a problem. As mentioned earlier, I’m a person who tends towards avoiding the feels during stressful times, and scrolling notes has been a great way for me to do that. It’s giving IG era (thankfully I don’t scroll there anymore) doomscrolls. It’s at the point where it’s affecting my work and my ability to get shit done before the move. Check below for how I plan to nip this one in the bud.
AI: when I tell you ChatGPT is probably sick of me by now, I mean it. I didn’t get onto the AI train in the beginning, and I still have some resistance around it, but that guy has been my great buddy as I try to figure my stuff out. I’ve been asking it everything from “how to kennel train my dog” to “tell me what to eat” and I hate to say it’s been helpful, but it’s also come to a point where I’m using it too much and I don’t know if I can think for myself anymore.
Binge watching: dang, I have so many shows to recommend it’s almost embarrassing. A couple that stand out are The Studio, Dying for Sex, and Enlightened (thanks to Krissy for that one). My favourite of the three has been Dying for Sex because it was a gateway into actually feeling the feels I’ve been avoiding in an indirect way. 10/10 recommend.
Into body:
On the flip side, how have I been getting back into my body when all I’ve been wanting is to avoid avoid avoid?
Acupuncture: I’ve started a round of acupuncture because apparently I run hot (hayyy) and need to get that heat out because it’s causing lots of funny problems.1 Did I mention I’m stressed? It’s really been helping though, after the first round of absolute discomfort and being in bed for what felt like days. Since starting treatment I’ve noticed my stress levels are way down, my jaw has melted so much I don’t even know how I was living with so much tension up there, and my heart rate is less shrew and more blue whale (yes I googled which animals have the fastest and slowest heart rates leave me alone, at least I didn’t ask ChatGPT).
Meditation: the past week I’ve been leaning into meditation again, even if just for a couple of minutes. This morning when I woke up I decided that anytime I had the urge to scroll I would meditate for 2 minutes instead—if I catch myself scrolling I’ll drop it and meditate for 5 minutes. We’ll see how that goes.2
Rain: It’s finally rainy season here, and with that comes the cool breeze, sounds of pitter pattering, and the scent of nourished earth. Something about the rain brings me right back into my body. I always have to take a pause, just to take it in.
I’m curious to hear from you: what have you been doing to get out of and into your body lately? Let me know in the comments—I need ideas for more “into body” experiences.
woof.
Thank you for going on that tender ride with me. This is my attempt to shine a light on the messy middle—the real life part. I appreciate you being along for the ride.
What’s going on at LTDP…
There are a few dates left in May for astrology readings before I jet off to Singapore! If you want to be held as we explore your inner world with care and radical honesty, you can book here. Readings are great for those looking for clarity and reconnection to self.
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Interestingly enough I have a lot of yang energy in my astrology chart—I’d love to study the connections more between TCM and astrology. I’ve done a bit of medical astrology studies which is fascinating (long history there), but I think there’s more to be said about how everything is connected.
I’m back in here editing after living a full day (I wrote this in the morning, it’s now evening) and I’d like to report back that I’ve already meditated for 12 minutes today—you do the math.
Kaitlyn your words are always BALM FOR MY SOUL. Idk how but you always capture the experience chef’s kiss perfectly. I love how raw and real you keep it, as it acts as a permission slip for me to side step shame and guilt and just embrace the messy middle. Sometimes, we’re just existing and getting through— and it’s more than enough. The amount of scrolling TV just buffering staring into the void (or my tendency to hyper clean things— why yes, I did color code and organize my parents’ entire spice cabinet this week 🙃) is actually unreal. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself during this period, the inner critic saying I should be doing more or trying harder. But your words remind me that 1) I’m not alone in this experience and 2) how incredibly human and normal of an experience this is. Thank you for always keeping it real— it is always a gentle call for compassion. I LOVE YOU, and IM WITH YOU 💛
Thanks for writing this. I haven't felt great either and writing sometimes feels terrifying even though I've done it for years. I love your wisdom and your self trust. Just know that you are not alone and sometimes sharing vulnerably takes the edge off.