How Choosing to Open My Heart Transformed My Healing
On hard conversations that build bridges of deeper connection.
If you’re new here, hi 👋 I’m Kaitlyn.
I write about real life through the lens of astrology. My goal is to help you learn to love yourself for who you are—dark parts and all. I believe the parts we were taught to hide are where our true gifts lie.
My focus is to inspire you to feel confident enough to shine without the fear, regardless of the expectations of others.
In the western-minded society, we’re groomed to be independent, to not rely on our communities, and to hide the parts of our story that may cause discomfort to those who may hear it. We keep the parts of us that are taboo or shameful inside and are encouraged to heal on our own in isolation, but oftentimes that isolation is the very thing that kills us.
My heart has been cracked open, and deep truths have been revealed since hitting publish on my first podcast episode.
It was like a weight lifted off of my chest, but at the same time I felt terrified of what was to come. I shared things about my journey in that episode I had never shared before—with anyone. Things I’ve never even spoken out loud, even in the comfort of my own presence.
When those events were happening, I brushed off my pain, and I handled it alone, for years. By handling it I mean ignoring it, and finding myself in a continuous loop of denial, dangerous situations, and harmful actions (towards myself and others).
I didn’t know what people would think, and I honestly didn’t value myself enough to reach out. Reaching out for help was the furthest thing from my mind.
But now, I have a deep desire to be vulnerable, raw, and to show others that the human condition is deeply flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful.
I scheduled the episode to publish while I was sleeping. It took some of the pressure off because it wasn’t instant—I couldn’t read what people were saying if they were to say mean things.
A few days later I got a call from my stepmom. “I had no idea you had gone through any of that,” she said.
I didn’t quite know how to respond.
Deep in my bones I was still so angry that I went through it all alone. I questioned why nobody was there for me in my darkest hour, why my friends didn’t reach out, why my family turned the other way—our conversations never moved past the weather and surface level “what’s new.”
In that moment, I realized how closed off I’ve been. I didn’t let anyone in. I didn’t ask for help, so how could I expect to receive it?
As much as I thought I was open, looking back, I now see that wasn’t the truth.
How could I expect her to know about something I hadn’t shared?
This has been a theme coming up in the Emotionally Empowered Group Program1, too. We’ve been talking about idea of vulnerability and what it means to ask for what we need, by opening the channels of communication.
Sometimes we play out the story in our minds of what we expect to happen—the worst case scenario, but oftentimes when we have the courage to go for it we realise it was a story that lived only in our head and not in reality.
Can you relate to craving intimate and deep relationships? How have you taken the first step to cultivate them?
Or are you like me, craving connection so deeply, but failing to initiate and waiting for someone else to do it for you?
The sun, Venus, and Jupiter are now in the chatty sign of Gemini. Jupiter is expanding our need for conversations, and with the planet of expansion creating a nice connection with Pluto, the lord of the underworld, we may find the courage to say things we’ve previously kept hidden.
There’s a current thirst for authentic connection.
Pluto encourages honesty—the usual surface level nature of Gemini is urging our conversations to go deeper—to touch on the dark parts of our humanity, in order to bring them to the light.
My step-mom asked if she could share the link with my dad. I didn’t hesitate and told her I’d send her the YouTube link, knowing that’s his preferred method of consuming content.
My dad and I have always had a strained relationship. He’s a super Capricorn, and it was challenging for me as a child. There was always something more important than family, and it was usually because of money or his idea of success. Now that I’m older, I can recognise how challenging it must have been for him, being the youngest son of a Dutch immigrant, needing to make a name for himself and to secure his future.
He listened to the episode and reached out. His response brought tears to my eyes, and it was the deepest connection I’ve felt from him in a long time, in that moment.
At this point I was overwhelmed with receiving the depth of connection from these two people in my life. Something I had never expected, and it had me taking a step back.
I was now re-evaluating everything I had thought about my experience.
My brain was spinning as I realised I didn’t have to do it all alone, but I thought I was being strong and independent by walking the path by myself. Only now I understand this was actually the cowardly way out.
Reaching out would’ve meant saying the truth that was on my heart. Asking for help would have meant showing “weakness.” Maybe they would no longer be proud of me if they knew I couldn’t handle the consequences to my own actions.
Or maybe I would just be the conversation of the town’s gossip.
There’s an image that is portrayed when you live abroad in a tropical country. The perception of an endless holiday, but what many don’t realise is that “wherever you go, there you are.”
Your problems don’t magically disappear when you move away. They may change form, or feel muted for a while, but they will always come back—often louder than they were before.
The next to reach out was my brother. Our conversation unlocked a new level of our relationship. We have different moms, and he’s eight years older than me. A lot of our lives were spent separate, so we didn’t develop the level of closeness that siblings usually have.
I learned things about him and his experience during this conversation that I didn’t know. We were able to talk about the things we experienced as children that we’ve never talked about until now. One thing I’ve noticed since opening up my heart and sharing my challenges and triumphs, is that it has inspired others to touch on those parts within themselves.
This is exactly why I show up here in the way I do.
I share my story in hopes that it allows you to fall in love with the parts of yourself you once thought necessary to hide. As scary as it is to stand bare soul for the internet; the connections made, the bravery inspired, and the healing from heartfelt words hold far more value than my fear could ever hold.
It’s never too late to build deeper connections with those around you.
It’s never too late to talk about topics that are important to you.
It’s never too late to open your heart.
The influx of authentic conversations since pressing post on the first episode of the podcast have been overwhelmingly refreshing. My point of view has shifted, and I’m now seeing my own shit served on a silver platter.
The biggest realisation is while I thought I was being open and vulnerable, that wasn’t always the case. By avoiding these deeper conversations with those who are closest to me, I robbed them of the opportunity to support me by assuming they couldn’t handle it, that they would judge me, or that they just weren’t interested.
Now I realise I was the one who was being shallow out of fear of abandonment. I created the exact outcome I didn’t want to experience.
Invitation to Reflect:
Have you had an experience where letting people in transformed your healing?
Think about your current relationships. Are you truly opening your heart and initiation conversations that lead to connection?
Is there a conversation you need to have in order to feel more complete?
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The next round of the Emotionally Empowered Group Program is open for Early Bird enrolment. Secure your spot at a discounted price until June 9th! We start on July 5th, 2024. Visit the website to learn more: www.kaitlynramsay.com
I'd love to hear your answers in the comments! ✨
- Have you had an experience where letting people in transformed your healing?
- Are you truly opening your heart and initiation conversations that lead to connection?
- Is there a conversation you need to have in order to feel more complete?
I can't wait to read what you're writing, Bonnie! And you're right, what a lie!!! Thank you for reading and sharing your heart, too.