Grateful for 32 years

I'm not sure where I'm going, but I'm happy to be on the ride.

As I lay here in bed, tossing and turning, the rain falling outside my bedroom window, my hair sticking to all of the wrong places, itches surfacing out of nowhere… I feel everything.

I try to stretch it out, breathe, close my eyes tighter and tighter, seemingly forgetting how to even close my eyes for sleep. So I reach for my laptop to unravel my thoughts by putting them on the page.

Getting curious, I dig deeper into what I’m feeling.

It’s been a weird few weeks, possibly few months as I’ve hit a wall. Everything seems to be standing still as I leave 31 in the past and cross the threshold to 32 years on this earth. I wonder where I’m headed, take stock of where I’ve been, and try to find comfort in where I am.

Everything I do is for her.

If you would’ve asked me if I saw myself living in Thailand at 32 years old, I would’ve laughed in your face, but here I am—single, childfree, and just purely winging it (as I’m sure we all are).

I don’t know what’s next, as I sit in the unknown of post-breakup comfort (sometimes discomfort), the lull of unsure entrepreneurship, in a foreign country with a dog and without a plan. I can sense a change is coming, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that riding the wave is the only way through.

Because to be as cliché as humanly possible, “the only constant is change.”

Even though the discomfort, I find comfort in the present moment. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a bed to sleep in, and everything a human needs to survive.

I’m grateful to see 32.

There was a time just over four years ago that I drank to numb the pain, and with numbing the pain came numbing the joy, too, because unfortunately you can’t pick and choose between the two. It was a time where I would’ve questioned if I’d live to see 32 at all.

I’m grateful for the fire inside me that burns through sobriety. The sensitivities that flood through me as I feel everything again. The uncertainty that keeps me on my toes and practicing presence. For the opportunity to question and feel what I’m feeling rather than blacking out in unknown places without even knowing anything was off.

For the ability to move my body in a way that feels good, by going to the gym, dancing, martial arts, and the other fun things that come with having the ability and enthusiasm to do.

I’m grateful for the friends who support me from afar and who truly accept me as I am. For those who don’t because it clears the way for those who do.

For my dog who sleeps beside me with ease and makes me laugh every day.

For the words that help me parse out my feelings because “Libra moon things,” and for

Substack

for being a home for the words I wish to share with you. And for you, the reader, for being here with me on this wild journey.

To share my gratitude for you, and to honour my 32nd birthday by giving back, I’d like to offer you a special discount until the end of the month.

Having you join as a paid subscriber would also be the greatest birthday gift to me, because each and every one of you are the reason I can continue to show up here consistently.

Each time a new paid subscriber joins the party, I do a little happy dance and honour you for offering your energy in such a substantial way.

Receiving is something I’m working on doing more of, and your support allows me to do that.

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On top of that, I’d like to give away a free year to someone who can’t financially swing the subscription at the moment, and who would like to jump in fully to Loving the Dark Parts—no questions asked.

Send me a message (or hit reply if you’re reading this via email) if you’d like a year for free. I will choose someone at random by the end of August.

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Thank you for being here and for allowing me the space to show up for you, which is really me showing up for myself, too. I’m grateful to have you along for this wild ride.

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p.s. it’s the last day to join Pathway to Purpose, starting this week! If you’d like to join us, learn more and sign up here.

*paid subscribers are eligible for a 10% discount on this and all offers.

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