Chasing My Ex Down the Street in the Middle of the Night

On the second Capricorn full moon of the season.

Hi, I’m Kaitlyn 👋

I write about real life through the lens of astrology. My goal is to help as many people as possible learn to love themselves for who they are—dark parts and all. I believe the parts we were taught to hide are where our true gifts lie. 

My focus is to inspire you to feel confident enough to shine without the fear, regardless of the expectations of others.

As I drifted off to sleep, in bed with my makeshift curtains drawn, the moon illuminated the sky, and the light flooded into my bedroom. As my eyes were drawn to the window above my head, soaking in the moonlight, I took a moment to welcome the Capricorn full moon wisdom into my dreams, if she chose to share some with me.

Slowly, I fell asleep with the moonlight peaking through the window.

Photo by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash

In the first dream, I was sitting around a table with my childhood best friend and two other people who I can’t quite remember. We were enjoying a meal when chaos entered the room. My friend got up from the table and never came back. By the end of dinner, I was the only one left to foot the bill. The restaurant was empty, other than me and the owner, who didn’t care much about my sob story of why I shouldn’t be here paying the whole damn thing. She calculated the total and I settled the bill, feeling taken advantage of.

The next dream had my ex crawling through a hole in the fence, stealing food and other things he needed to survive. He tried to sneak out, but I caught a glimpse of him before he could leave with my things and my dog (again). He was wrapped in a blanket, and clearly sick—I felt bad for him and begged him to stay. Every chance he could get he tried to sneak back out of that little hole in the fence, and he finally did. I chased him halfway down the street before I realized I was trying to control things out of my reach. I got my dog back into the yard after she had almost followed him down the street, too. At least I still had her, along with what was left of my dignity.¹

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For most of my life I’ve been in romantic relationships of some sort, many fleeting for a season, others lasting years before unravelling. 

They all had one thing in common.

I gave my power away because I didn’t honour myself.

I squeezed myself into places I had no business being. I showed up for others while abandoning my inner voice. I made sure everyone around me felt comfortable, even if I was uncomfortable inside.

Often my needs were left unmet because I was too scared to speak them out loud.

In every relationship I had, I was searching for a part of me that I didn’t easily have access to. A part of me that was left behind when I was a child, playing alone, waiting for my dad to see me—to love me, to be the authority I needed. 

As the years went by, I searched for that authority in other men. I gave myself away until there was nothing left. I sabatoged and ran when things started to feel serious. I fought against them because I didn’t feel safe enough to let my guard down.

I didn’t trust any man.

How could I when the one who was supposed to be there, wasn’t?

It’s only in the past couple of years that I’ve begun healing the part of me that was waiting for someone to save her. 

I started getting clear on what I want and need—practiced saying it out loud, and most importantly, I walked away when I felt disrespected and undervalued. Not only in relationships, but in all areas of life.

Part of that healing was put into motion this week, as I stood up for myself and said “no” when I could’ve easily gone back to an unhealthy situation. A word that can feel uncomfortable to say, but it’s pretty empowering, I must admit.

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This full moon in Capricorn at the 29th degree is an ending. It’s an important time, illuminating the ending of a book opened in 2008, when Pluto went into Capricorn. It’s the end of giving our authority away to outside sources—and the beginning of taking our power back.

Pluto will enter Capricorn one last time in September.

I talk about this big shift in depth here:

I Quit My Job.

The only way to reach YOUR true idea of success is to claim and honour your inner authority.

Only you know what is best for you.

During this Cancer season, I took note of those who nurture their craft. My local barista went to a latte art competition—something he’s truly passionate about, my other barista had a new baby, and I went to a music festival to watch local musicians pour their heart into their performance, bringing life just by leaning into what they love.

It reminded me that success has nothing to do with money, and everything to do with heart and connection.

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On the last full moon in Capricorn one month ago, I asked you to share what you’re proud of accomplishing over the past six months (since the new moon in Capricorn in January), and here’s what some of you said:

All of these responses had one thing in common—a beautiful display of inner authority and success.

Special thank you to

Catherine Wilde - SoulCareMom

,

Dana Leigh Lyons

,

Ed Rodgers

, and

Chi

for sharing.

Although this full moon is in the same sign, it’s slightly different, as it’s connecting with Pluto, which brings a depth and need for burning away all that is inauthentic.

Maybe there’s a part of you that was still in denial one month ago, and now you’re feeling more clear on your next steps.

The past couple of weeks have been unpredictable, and you may have felt the ground underneath you shake as Mars and Uranus came together, possibly changing your course of action. This can be helpful in the quest of letting go of what no longer serves you on this mountain climb, as long as you can accept what is true and let go of all that isn’t. There’s also a volatile nature to this if we’re putting our energy in the wrong places, as we’ve been witnessing on the global stage.

The ruler, Saturn, is still retrograde—which may have us in reflection of what we’re truly working towards and our own definition of success. Wounds may be surfacing, and there is the need for honesty, but healing is possible if we’re open to taking responsibility.

The key is to release your grip on all that’s outside of your realm.

Whatever you’re letting go of, know that a new door is waiting to open on the other side.

You don’t have to pay for the whole table when your friends bail on you, and you sure as hell don’t have to be chasing your ex down the street begging him to love you.

You’re worth more, so don’t accept any less.

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Reflection Questions for You

• What’s your relationship with saying no? Does it come easy for you or do you avoid it at all costs?

• Is there something on your plate that you don’t want to do anymore? Maybe you never wanted to, but committed anyway. Take it off the list.

• How can you commit more time and energy to your craft? What would it look like to put your whole heart in it?

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1. Any dream analyst enthusiasts are welcome to put your thoughts in the comments! I love hearing other perspectives.